No Matter the Hurt

No matter the hurt, I still love. My love for D does not diminish because I feel loss for him. I choose and chose to be with D. Why? Because he loves me so fully, so intensely, so passionately. D makes me feel whole, he makes me feel alive. If D were not around I would not be able to move on.
I can move on because I have D by my side, I have his love to pull me through the tough times. D does not make the loss go away but he makes it feel like I can get through it. He amazes me everyday with his love for me. When I feel down and horrible like I can't go on, he looks at me with those beautiful green eyes and tell me it will be alright.

D makes me feel so beautiful and strong, he makes me feel loved so completely. I have never had love like the love I have with D. With him by my side I know someday I will be happy, and I will always be loved.

It hurts me everyday that D must suffer with me and my loss. I wish he would never have to feel like he is not the one I want to be with. I choose him and I still chose him everyday because, I love him more than he will ever know. Though I feel loss and pain, that doesn't diminish the love I feel for him.

5 Months

I still cry everyday. I hurt everyday. I miss him so much.

My life is so confusing right now, every aspect is new and different. I long for his funny retorts, our sense of humor together. I miss the way we would play off each other in ways that made other people laugh. I miss "wonderful meal dear", I miss it all.

How can I feel less guilt, I was always the crazy one, the one with the problems. He always took care of me and I left him. How was I to know that all those jokes about suicide and a suicide pact were real cries. I left, not because he was a mean man, a cruel man; no because he wasn't those things. I left because he was distant, he never opened up or share his real feeling. I left because I never felt desired or attractive. I left because he never wanted to make love to me. I left because I seemed to be reason he was unhappy. I left and now he is dead, and I feel like I pulled the trigger.

I left and didn't look back, he called and wanted to talk; I let it go to voicemail. I wanted to answer but everyone told me I had to keep my distance. He emailed and wanted to get together, but I declined saying it was too hard for me to see him right then, the wound was still open. I tried to move on and he died. He is gone there is no going back.
I miss him so much. I want to talk to him, ask his opinion on things, laugh with him. I left and now it is all gone.

What am I left with? Friends I push away, family I never see, life lived in a new way. A boy who loves me more than anything, who makes me feel like I am the greatest. One who never leaves my side no matter how hard I cry, no matter how angry and mean I am. A new family of strangers who are way too full of themselves and never have anything good to say. People who make me feel inferior and small, uncomfortable and anxious.
I left and the whole world changed.

Frustration

Frustration is coming from all angles tonight. I was having a perfectly wonderful day, I went shopping with my bestest S, I came home wanting to have some time with D, but no. D's Mom came over, which is fine I really have no problem with her in general. Today though she didn't knock, just came into our house with all these bags. She starts unpacking and it becomes clear she has come over to cook. Fine, there are a lot of dishes that I will not make because they contain meat so I'm glad for her to cook them for D. Here is the problem though I have a full fridge, fresh fruits and veggies and a large amount of leftovers. I recently started trying new recipes every night for dinner. So we have enough food, she made two huge dishes of food, neither of which I will eat because they are meat dishes. So now we have so much food in our fridge we will not be able to eat it all before it goes bad. It may seem like a small thing but she came over on Sunday too to make food. When she does this it makes me feel like I am not doing a good enough job feeding D and myself and I need for her to come over to cook and clean. It drives me crazy.

Then I get this article sent to me by my brother reporting on the trouble that my old friend from back home is in. If the article was not bad enough she went on to argue with random people who commented about the article. She really does not understand that people in a small town never forget your past sins. Thinking about her also brought up the last conversation I had with her. She accused me of replacing Matt with D, and that I have already moved on after Matt's suicide. Really this person who lives halfway across the country wants to tell me I have moved on. She was under the impression that I was doing great, that is rich. Just because I try to live a halfway normal life and not constantly talk about the suicide does not mean I have moved on or gotten over it. It was the most offensive thing someone has ever said to me.

Tomorrow is a big day S is having her surgery (final one, I hope), D has to go take a test, and I have to pick S's sister up from the airport!!! Hopefully I will be too busy to be frustrated.

I'm feeling better now I vented. Ahhhhh. It's almost Halloween Yay!!

Finding Forgiveness

My anger is my most urgent problem. My anger causes so much pain not only for me but especially those around me. I lash out in anger without provocation, and those who feel my anger have done nothing to deserve it.
The major issue is why am I so angry. I was talking to some family members about this and they said that I have always been angry.

Really! Have I always been angry? Why?

So they anger has been there, it is not just present circumstances. I want to forgive so that I can move on and release the anger, but I'm not sure what exactly I am angry at. I do have some ideas of where this anger is coming from but I am not sure how to forgive her so that we can move on. The forgiveness is the most important part of the equation and I'm not sure how exactly to forgive someone for a series of disappointment 28 years ago.

I really do want to let go and be happy. I really want to release the anger to become a happier person. Why does all this crap have to be so complicated?!
So for now I am working towards forgiving and letting go of anger, we will see how that plays out.

Smoke Free

Since I was 13 I have smoked, I have almost always been a heavy smoker (more than a pack a day). I have tried to quit, I have no clue how many times but over 7 times in the past 10 years. I have tried the patch, lozenge, cold turkey, hypnosis and whatever else I could think of. I would always get through the first couple of days only to fail days or weeks later because I could not stop obsessing over the thought of having a smoke or becoming depressed because I was no longer "allowed" to smoke. Generally I would fall into a pretty deep depression every time I attempted a quit in the past. It has been a few months since I went of the Effexor XR and was wondering if I stopped smoking would I fall into the same depression or would I bounce back?

Well so far so good I smoked my last cigarette Wednesday October 21 2009 at 11 p.m. I have not been a nice girl at all, my temper has been raging, I have been on the verge of tears or crying for almost the entire time. When I woke up this morning I felt clean somehow, I know the nicotine takes three days to withdrawal from your body and this is day four. I feel good, I still have that little nagging in the back of my head but nothing that is driving me crazy. D thought that it would be so easy to quit, he only smokes 3-5 a day, quitting was not as easy as he thought. He had the same irritability, lack of concentration and uncomfortable feelings I had. It really doesn't matter how much you smoke, if you are hooked, you are hooked. So I will keep working not smoking for now and next on my list of vices will be the Diet Soda!!!! Ahhhh...no, not the Diet Soda!!!! I am already actually working on that one, I have started drinking wonderful Fair Trade Organic Coffee sweetened with Organic Blue Agave first thing in the morning. My morning soda has always been the hardest to give up and since I changed that habit the others should be pretty easy.

What now???

I'm at a loss for what exactly I do now with my life. Matt has been gone since June 9th, life hasn't got much easier with the passing of time.

How does one get over the loss of a loved one when they feel so much guilt, pain and anger. Suicide is one bad MotherF*$&er, I have a hard time even believing that this is really the way life is now. Everything seems so surreal, I'm not sure how conscious I have been for the past couple of months. I really can not seem to even talk about this unimaginable pain to anyone. Those closest to me get small glimpses into the pain but only D gets to see the everyday pain.

I'm not sure what to do about D, I feel so bad for putting him through all this pain, all this sorrow. But what exactly can I do to shelter him from this? I can't just pretend that nothing happened or that I am OK, because it did happen and I'm not OK. Not sure how to deal with this fairly new relationship while I am sifting through the life I left behind and then the life that got a shotgun blast.

None of this seems real, I keep thinking I will wake up and everything will be normal again. I will be home again. I miss my old life so much or maybe I just miss Matt. I really have a hard time writing much so maybe I'll try tomorrow.

Always so close

June 9th, June 9th...forever that day will haunt me. Since Matt's suicide I have tried to do my best to make my way. I'm not even sure what that means, I have tried to hold myself together. The first month I honestly do not remember anything, the second month was horrible. Since then I have just been constantly doing, nothing of great importance except for moving. But I convinced myself that I truly was busy and not just doing busy work. This began to fail this week, I have finished most of my busy work and was beginning to be social. I am now on the verge of a breakdown every half hour. The grief has surrounded me, I try to push through but it pulls me down. The grief takes me to uncontrollable sobbing to the point of pain, I cry till my head is throbbing and my heart feels 100lbs.
The grief has been there since the beginning, I think the anger, guilt, regret, sorrow have rolled into one big hateful emotion. I take my anger out on everyone else around me and then feel even more guilt. I'm not sure how to release this anger, people have told me I need to forgive and "let go". How exactly am I supposed to do that? Forgive, I'm still so angry and emotions are still bubbling over. "Let go", I want to loosen my hold on my emotions but I don't feel like I can "let go".

This is a deeply scarring journey, I will make it through but there will be sorrow for a long time.
I miss Matt so much, I just wish he knew how much he was loved and respected.